I keep wishing to share more of me on Candy. When I first started blogging, that was it's purpose. To allow myself to open up. But lately, I find that I'm slowly closing doors to my mind.
I love sharing things that happen to me and things that I like but I have the desire for my blog to much more of an outlet than just those things. I want to be able to express what's in my mind. Because, quite frankly, it's going a mile a minute most days.
I'm not sure what's stopping me. I think it's the fear of being misread or misinterpretted and also the fear of being judged. I keep trying to push myself to a point where I truly only care about what I think of myself and not what others think of me. But there are so many people who always see things in a negative light or maybe not negative, but not the way I intended.
I want to once again have the courage to write about my dreams, my fears, my questions. But I keep thinking about how some people think it's not right to spill yourself out to people you know, much less a world of blogging strangers. So then I question myself.
I hope to have the courage to share more of what's in my head here. I guess I'll start with something I recorded in my journal. I call it jibberish writing. I do it every once in awhile. It's when I don't have the energy or patience to write what's actually happening to me at the time.
I guess it's sort of metaphoric. I don't know- it's just jibberish. It comes from somewhere. It was provoked by something. It's not poetry, it's not fiction, it's just words.
So here's some jibberish writing from my journal. Take it for what you will and please be kind. ;)
"He sees the sliver. The sliver of light. He waits. It grows. and grows. and grows. faster. faster. It envelopes. The heart races, the eyes know. There is no doubt. It's just there. There is a purpose, but not to be discovered just now. It will come. When it's right. He believes in this. This is good. This is different. That's how he knows it's good. The light receeds. But he knows how to bring it back. He has faith. The light is good. The light is weak. His faith makes it grow."
One night I was outside while the sun set- at one point the rays of light seemed to surround me, to penetrate me until I felt lit up from the inside. It was only for a fraction of a second and then it was gone. I wrote this with the idea that I was the sliver of light. He, of course, is Andy.
So that's my attempt at sharing myself. I'm sure I'll get more confidant with it but for now, it is what it is.