The last six months I've spent dwelling on the fact that I was no longer coaching the high school's competitive dance team. It has bugged me that immediately after giving my notice to the principal, I knew, without a doubt, that I had made the right decision. However, just a year later, I found myself second guessing that decision.
Naturally, I immediately tried to get the core of my feelings and figure out what the heck was going on. Was I missing the sport? the girls? the school? Was I feeling guilty for just walking away cold turkey from the thing that had literally defined who I was since the time I was five?
I'd been working these questions around in my head for months and making absolutely no sense of them. I wondered for awhile if I should go back to coaching or even reopen my studio and start teaching again.
But I knew that would put an end to my goals of getting a master's degree and that was out of the question. I knew that my current career goals were a perfect fit for me and that the past should stay in the past.
So I kept wondering why I was feeling so wishy washy and thinking, "what the heck should I do? What do I really want? And if coaching is not what I want, then why can't I stop thinking about it?"
Honestly it was driving me a bit batty, so I finally just shoved it away and refused to deal with my feelings regarding the subject. I thought that maybe time would reveal the answer. And thankfully, in a way, it did.
Out of the blue, while reminiscing with my sister, the answer suddenly poured from my lips, much to my surprise! And she whole-heartedly agreed with my analysis.
It's simple, really. Coaching did several things for me that I personally really need.
While I was coaching....
- I was needed, important, and given constant recognition for a job well done
- I was feeding my need to help people, by mentoring these high school girls and being someone they could look up to.
- I was problem solving, conquering chaos, organizing, making decisions, planning things, and developing new ideas to make things better.
I came to the conclusion (one that I think I always knew, but just never recognized) that I am a person who thrives off of leadership positions. More specifically, I'm a person who thrives off of leadership positions that give me the opportunity to sort through a big mess and make it amazing; leadership positions that allow me to make important decisions, delegate responsibilities, and do some sort of good works in the process or make a positive difference for the company or group I'm working for.
In other words, situations where I can ultimately step in and play the role of 'Wonder Woman'/'I'm A Rock Star-I Can Do It All-Woman.'
When I left my coaching position, my responsibility over a group of people and an organization ended. No one needed me anymore, I wasn't helping anyone, solving problems, delegating, organizing or any of those other things that make me feel so good.
In my mind, I became nobody important, who was doing nothing much important. I was just going to school and working a couple regular jobs.
Not to say that my personal goal of graduating from college is nothing- but I need more than just personal accomplishments to feel accomplished and successful.
I realize that I'm not happy when I only have myself to be responsible for. I need to be responsible for much more than that to feel that I'm actually doing something of any significance.
I can now understand why I literally yearn for that degree and that 'Big Girl Job.' Because a 'Big Girl Job' means the possible opportunity to work my way up to a position where I'm that Rock Star Woman I need to be.
So when I say I want the 9-5 and people who have 9-5's look at me like I'm crazy, I'll just smile because maybe they don't need what I need, and that's okay.